思い出
My dear Saxon, how bad the heart can hurt. I feel such deep pain all the time as if I've reached the bottom of despair & I know that it isnt true. 3 weeks ago last year you sat in Children's in that brown rocker and you looked so worn out from the stem cell and you said "Mommy please dont let me die". I told you Mommy will never let you die and in my heart I meant that Saxon. But evil is strong & I couldn't fight it. I knew it was there but I couldnt see it to kill it. God needed you & spared you but he did not give us our miracle on Earth as we hoped & prayed for but he spard you from further pain because he needed you. It's just that I needed you too. I wish I could be strong like you as you always said "Momma dont cry or I wont talk to you. You also said Mommy how could I get through this if anything happened to you cause I need you mom. Well buddy since it's the other way around I wonder the very thing that you asked of me. I try everyday to think of your strength and you love and that huge heart of yours. Who would have really known that on this day May 2nd 08 last year I would have only had you for 30 more days and you'd be gone from me forever. I have your pictures every where Sax because I never want to forget where 1/2 of my heart liesas it is with you and you are with me. Forever..... One day Saxon.. 1 day until then please breathe your love upon me.
Saxon, I miss your being my side kick in the car. I miss how we'd chat & I yell at drivers & say stupid sayings & you would laugh & say Mommy say it again & we would laugh all over so hard. Saxon you to say I love it when you laugh like that mom! I miss coming home to you & now I come home to a lonely, empty house. I miss hearing you back in yuor room roaming around in your computer chair talking about what you were going to do with your quad. I miss wathcin Will & Grace with you & we'd do that special arm dance to the theme , we both loved karen & Jack. I miss watching & going to the movies with you. I miss the "Special dinners just you & I would have together". You really were my companion & know I don't have you & no one could ever take your place. I miss holding you & the talks we'd have when I'd lay beside you in your room or in the hospital. I'm so sorry you had so many bad nights in the hospital being so sick & not many people knew how sick & brave you were throwing up your intestines and blood with your mouth so sore of ulcers all the way down your food pipe. You just wanted to get better to be with your friends again.It's funny Sax but you you used to do this little laugh after you'd say things & I don't know why but I have somehow caught myself doing that & Jerbear noticed that two as if a part of you is living in me. You wrote in a card for mothers day that you loved me for putting up with your crap in the hospital but I wish I'd have more opportunities to "put up with your crap" as you put it because I was so lucky to be your mom. You had so much love, life & heart in you and you were a blessing to me. I have to keep figuring out where I go from here without you Saxon. I miss you with all my heart. Forever your mom.
Saxon your mother gave me a saxon doll' that alli have too hang on too. I miss you so much' you our in my heart every day. and the words you said to me about how you loved me the way i am. that meant so much to me. i will never foget you and all the love you gave me.and lunches we had together. when I eat dinner sit in your spot because i can not stand to see the empty chair. miss all the other grandchildren too . and am always glade to see them. but you our in my broken heart and when god takes me away will look for you. love you nana
Dear Saxon, It is the day after Christmas, I guess I am getting through it. I just cant get over you not being here to celebrate with. last year we were in the hospital right before Christams and you were ordering your gifts online. You became very good at that. Your ordered me Pj's ans slippers which I wear alot. We were always together and I know you always seemed to be thinking of what you could do for others. You were the light im my Christmas last year. An agel ornamnet came the other day from our special friends the Scott's who were so great about checking in on you at our home & bringing surprises for you. It looked so much loke you! You know I asked for a sign & I know that you silently asked them to bring it because you could count on them. They came through! My heart was happy but I still weep that your not here with me everyday. So does Jer. 3 more boys died this week on ewings list. Maybe you'll see them Saxon, this is such a tragedy for us parents to loose such brave boys like you. You fight a war to , only it wasn't in Iraq,this war it did nt have a face, we couldnt see it, but it kept on coming. It was hard to fight my dear Saxon but you & the others fought so courgeously. Now i fight to hang in there for myself , to want to live, to try to figure out how to live with half a heart. memories come, I dont choose them & flood my mind, some happy, some sad, some of such desperate times. You always live in my heart. Now I must live to help Shane, I hope you'll be there with me and him, we will need you at our side. I love you so dearly, Saxon. I love you!
SAXON: porg was all wound up last night, while we were trying to watch the Steelers game. She could not stop laugh and being crazy. It was driving Uncle Joe and myself crazy. The only thing that was missing was you. It reminded me of all the times the two of you would get so loud and crazy. Just laughing your heads off.
And Uncle Joe and I would say calm down. Now I would give anything to have the two of you together laughing and being loud.
It is Christmas and the tree is up, but we did not put the train up. It reminds us of you so much. I remember you and Jordin spending a whole day building a tunnel for the train. And every time you came in, you would ask if you could run the train. You are so missed by every body. Please tell God I understand that it was his will to talk you from us, and I wanted to thank him for thirteen wonderful you he gave us with you.
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